Years ago, more than half my life ago, I was in an unhealthy relationship. I was young and naive at the time. I had a rough child hood, but I've managed, over the years, to make a good life for myself. Although I was young and naive I wasn't so young and naive that I didn't have enough sense to get out of the unhealthy relationship. Looking back on it, that was one of the best things I ever did for myself. (That and I quit smoking about the same time.) There were, however, some repercussions that were unforeseen at the time that I left the relationship. That's a long story for another day though.
Throughout that unhealthy relationship I was made to feel unworthy, small, and whatever other negative feelings I had heaped upon me. (I have since learned that I have control of my feelings, and no one can make me feel bad about myself if I don't allow it.) My partner in that relationship led me to believe that I was crazy. He made others believe that too. Why? Good question. I've been giving it some thought lately. (I think because I recently heard about a lie that he is still telling others about me and our relationship.) As a result, I've come up with a list of reasons why I must have been crazy in my younger years. They aren't in any particular order. Read below.
I Must Be Crazy Because:
- I couldn’t pee in front of him when he declared that I should be able to.
- I followed the command of a “Don’t Walk” sign by stopping at the curb rather than walking into the street as he did. His comment was “You follow that?” or something similar.
- I chose to take classes so that I could get my GED certificate. (Why would I need that?)
- I took the test to get my driver’s license. (Again, why would I need that? I wasn’t expected to do anything on my own, probably because I wasn’t deemed “capable.”)
- I used too much toilet paper – more than the 3 squares that he thought were adequate.
- I didn’t talk enough. I was often told that I needed to talk more.
- I said something stupid when I did talk. After leaving a small party one night, I was told "What'd you say that for? That was stupid.” (His exact words. They are burned in my memory.) No doubt stupid by his standards, but no, it wasn’t stupid in reality. (Hmmm. Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.)
- I sat like a lump on a log when his friends visited. (One of his friends came by when he was out one evening. We talked for a while and after a bit the friend cocked his head to one side and said “You aren’t so crazy after all.” Where did he get the idea that I was crazy? Hmmm. I wonder.)
- I couldn’t make his sandwiches the right way. I shouldn’t have spread the filling all the way to the edge of the bread because it would ooze out. (Hmmm. Didn’t he realize that after a bite along the edge of the sandwich, there would be a new edge and the filling could, just possibly, ooze out anyway????)
- I made his food too greasy.
- I made his food too hot.
- I made his food not hot enough.
- I wasn’t always immediately willing to drop what I was doing to perform some sort of sex act when he “suggested” it.
- I expected him to do the dishes when I could not due to a splint on my broken finger.
- I put the dirty dishes on his dresser. (No, he didn’t do them even then. Instead, he had a couple of girls over when I was out at class one evening. One of those girls did the dishes.)
- I struck out at him once when he backed me up against a wall while berating me about one thing or another. (Yeah, I think I actually scratched his arm when I struck out. I felt threatened as he loomed over me with his greater height and his over bearing presence. I was, figuratively, pinned against the wall and reflexively struck out.)
- I didn’t like it when I came home after class one night and found our daughter was being watched by a friend who just happened to be a heroin addict. (Silly me for being critical about that.)
- I got a bit upset when he left for the “store” about 10 pm and didn’t get home until sometime after sunrise the next day. (Later on I got to be good friends with the young woman he was visiting on those outings. Since we hung around with the same people, she saw me over time and realized that I wasn’t the big-biker-chick-type who was going to beat her up if I found out about her. )
- I was extremely introverted until I gave birth to my daughter. (Having a baby changes a lot!)
- I couldn't shop lift and I got upset when I found out (afterwards) that he had shoplifted while we were in a store. (I have to admit, though, that he also shoplifted in my presence, and I was too timid to challenge him at the time. After all, he was doing it because "they charge too much" for the goods. Didn't he realize that his shoplifting habit was part of the cost of goods sold???)
- I couldn't lie in order to get more welfare than that to which I was entitled. (Grammar????) I received all of $16 a month in order to cover incidentals that I needed for myself and my daughter. I couldn't lie and say that I had to pay room & board when I was given it for free from a family member. He, on the other hand, took another person's female child to the welfare office in an attempt to receive welfare. (At least that's what he told me. Since he was known to tell tales, I was never sure what was true and what wasn't.)
- I was just a wee bit happy when his motorcycle was stolen from the parking lot just outside our kitchen window. Was I being mean? No, I just thought it was kharma biting him in the butt because he bought the motorcycle with ill gotten gains.
